Circumnavigating the Disc in glorious 3D
by Hamfast Gamgee
Summary: So, you're gonna need your 3D glasses.  No extra charge!


A little something I threw together. In one of his earlier books, Terry mentiones that sometimes people would doubt that the Disc is flat and go confidently on voyages to prove it was round. This is the tale of one of these voyages! Please Read and Review, Ham

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Circumnavigating the disc.

The place was a posh mansion house near the cost on the Disc. The villa in the county of Anglestein. A few young aristocratic things had been using their parents money to throw on a party. Quite a good one really if you consider been in the company of young aristocrats drinking way too much drink and taking illicit drugs to be good. Not quite my cup of tea - or snort of Opium - to be honest. Unless there is money involved. Lots of it! In typical aristocratic partying manner, some were longing on sofas, a few were sitting on chairs, drinking, eating, and snorting various things or each other.

One of them, Gregory Aston-Williams, one of the hosts stood up in the large room late at night, well early in the morning really now and finished a champagne glass. 'I say, everyone, oh come on, I say, I say. No, I'm not telling a joke. No, I've just had the most roaringly supurb idea!' said he in a high-pitched irritating voice. Gregory was tall, young a bit skinny with dark hair. Though some of the time you wouldn't notice this as he wore fashionable wigs that the aristocrats of this place did.

'Really, you have had some ideas!' said a voice.

'Indeed I have but this one is a spiffer!'

'Better than the one you had to wear your underwear on your head because you thought everyone should see it's magnificence,'

'Better than that one, Suzie!'

'Better than taking enough drugs to blow our brains out then wander in the fields next to the cliffs and laugh uproarisly as one of our servants we had given them couldn't cope with it and fell hilariously into the sea to his death?' said a young man as he belched and pulled up his breeches.

'Oh, yepsi!'

'Better than eating 8 raw sausages for breakfast?'

'Mmmmmmmmm, oh all right about the same. What it is that I buy a ship with sails, wooden boards, a crew, supplies, and take it out onto the open seas with a exciting and adventurous journey,'

'Nothing wrong with that,'

'You can afford a ship, but where will you go?

'This is the real clever bit,' Gregory took more champagne and gulped. 'I go out into the seas and do what no man has done before. I take a ship and go right around the Disc and I go right around it in a globe and I come back to the point were I started. What do you think' Gregory looked around as though expecting applause for this idea. Some of his companions looked excited, but one voice said.

'You'll find that difficult the Disc is flat isn't it?'

Someone moved into the room and chewed on some fruit. 'So it has been said. But have you been keeping up to date with recent thought. Some say it isn't. Indeed Professor Anthony of the University has come up with compelling evidence that our world is in fact, round! You could be the first to go around it!'

'If it's round then how comes we don't fall of it?' That was an unusually perceptive question for those people I think. But Gregory had something of an answer.

'Gravity!' explained Gregory then did no more explanations. 'In fact I think I will purchase said ship with crew I'm not sure that I will have all the money but some will back me. There are the globalists of course, they'd jump at the chance for someone to prove my theories.' Globalists were people on the Disc with interesting theories. But I'll come back to them later

'Quite right,' said a friend. 'Nice to see someone with such advanced, modern style of thinking. The idea of the world is flat is a bit of an outmoded one if you ask me. Has anyone actually seen any of the supposed Elephants? Let's prove this once and for all, hurrah!'

'Hurrah!' cried everyone.

Well, Gregory wasn't actually inventing any new ideas idea, that was probably a bit beyond him, but he was coming up with a different angle upon one. That particular generation in Anglestein had become a bit gripped with the notion that the disc was in fact a globe. Such as the Globalists. (2)

It was named the Imperial Enterprise. 'A good name,' had said one of Gregory's financial backers, someone with influence in Anglestein's Government in fact. 'Once we get out there we will encounter many other people. We will treat them kindly and have a welcome. There will be peace and friendship. At first. Then we will send more and more with our Army, create an Empire in the Sun where we will they will be happy to buy our goods at a profit to us and live in our Capitalist system.'

'Or they will be shot or enslaved! We could do with cheap labour actually!' finished of his assistant. Well, the Government of Anglestein and it's financiers never got anywhere by not thinking ahead! The Government was not Gregory's only backers. His parents had coughed up money. So had his richer Uncle.

His father had been very enthusiastic. 'Yes, my son go of to the Sun and seek your fortune. Such a journey can take years, you know! Such a long time away will be enough to make a man out of you!' There was just something in the way he said, 'Away,' which made Gregory only a little suspicious. Well, been a typical elder aristocratic child did make Gregory a bit expensive for his parents to keep at times.

Later in the town square of Bristopool, Gregory was the center of attention. This was the way he liked it. 'Yes, it is nice to see so many people in tune with this new way of thinking. The Globe. Flat is such an outmoded concept. This world is a globe and I will prove it and make my fame and fortune!' he thought to himself, 'Emphasis on the fortune!'

'But can you be so sure that it isn't flat?' said a skeptical voice.

'Ah, the voice of skepticism,' Gregory cried in reply. 'Well, I think it is time to hand over to Professor Anthony. He has proof that the world is an orb!' Gregory applauded.

'Thank you very much. Yes, against the cynical nature of our leaders, their attempts to imprison me for telling the truth,' - actually, Anthony was nearly imprisoned largely for been an annoying idiot despite his Professorship but he didn't point this out! - 'I can prove beyond question that our home is on a globe. I have a little instrument,' he directed a large machine with various balancing things onto the stage.

'See!' he continued and put onto the stage the machine which had a ball hung from a large rope from a wooden raft. The ball hit against some metal. 'Now then, watch the rope for a few moments!' After a while the rope changed its position and hit against the rim of the bowl. 'Now then this rope stayed in position. It had to. So, why has it's trajectory changed? Only one possible explanation. The Earth has moved! Therefore it must be round!'

There was some scattered applause at this. Most were trying to figure out how the Professor came to this conclusion. But he sounded earnest, had a degree, and Gregory and his chums applauded widely so everyone else joined in. The crowd was growing as evening drew in. The population of Bristopool like everywhere on the discworld appreciated a show.

'What about your crew?' shouted someone.

'Yes, my crew, specially selected, stand up fellows!' to more applause and some wolfwhistles a crew of around 30 men and a few boys of varying sizes and ages stood up and did a twirl for the crowd. 'See, what a fine bunch. All we need is a Captain. I did choose one but he isn't here yet getting late, but that is Captain Jock for you! I might have to choose someone else!'

'Ar, here he is now!' said Professor Anthony.

One man in a flamboyant Captain's hat was running to the square. He was followed by a guard. The guard drew his sword. 'Oh, yer will eh, have at eh!' said Captain Jock and flailed the man lifting his sword high beyond him. But two more men appeared behind Captain Jock. 'I'll have yer, and yer!' he cried happily and in a dramatic move disarmed the pair. Four more guards apprehended the Captain. So, he jumped up a drainpipe and ran literally up the side of a house.

A patrol of guards followed him, but some fell over themselves. More and more appeared. 'Some work huh?' cried Jock, jumping down over their heads, sweeping his saber at the constables. The crowd cheered as he jumped upon a flag pole with unrealistic balance and duelled no less than 5 of the militia, winning naturally. Some he lead into a building, ran up and down in whilst his pursuers ran under some bags of shoot which fell upon them causing 8 to fall down in a heap and Captain Jock ran over to Gregory.

This was quite impressive apart from two points. Firstly, the militia had all the skills and abilities of the Keystone cops so any half-decent swordsman could probably outwit them. Secondly he could have done what Gregory suggested when he got to the stage. 'They only wanted to sent you a note of application!'

'What did you say his second name was?' Gregory asked Dibbler.

'Strap. Captain Jock Strap!'

'Oh, sorry lads!' said the Captain to the militia who glared at him and muttered amongst themselves. 'So, I hear ye has a ship for me!' he said at Gregory and punched him playfully on the shoulder. 'Ai, I have traveled to the depths of the sea, over to the YYYY continent struggled with the Spirador, lost my leg and found my leg! I can live for a week on nothing but a glass of water and a spider. Ahhhhahha!'

'Ahhhhha!' cried the crowd, cheerfully.

Now the discerning reader which I am sure you are one might have noticed two things at this point. One that that duel had nothing whatsoever to do with the plotline. Well, I have to get to use these 3d effects somehow. Second that the continent in question was actually called XXX. Yes, I know that! But Captain Jock himself was a little literacy challenged at times. (2.5)

Gregory, however, wasn't too impressed. 'You are sure about him?' he asked one of his backers. 'Yes, he's good!' Dibbler replied.

'What was wrong with Captain Barbecue, I liked him!'

'The fact that on this last cruise he rose up and slaughtered all of the officers on the ship in a mutiny? Honestly, he's still in prison for that! I can't think you would offer to release him or give him a command after that! Really' Yes, Captain Jock was probably a better option than the Captain known as Long John Silver with the one leg!

'That reminds me, time for a word about our sponsors,' said Gregory. The sponsors were the usual band for such an enterprise. Banks bailed out by their Governments but still paid their bosses big bonuses, Stronginthearm Dwarf boots, home insurance, you won't find us on the Discnet compare pages, the Discnet compare pages, that weird one that doesn't do anything, the financial company called Signearo and of course, the local Dibbler sausages in a bun.

The major sponsor actually! 'The best taste you will get in a bun! Look out for the Big Dibs,' said Gregory, whistling the Dibbler catchtune reading from the script. He might have sounded unconvinced as he had actually tasted them. He also looked extremely guilty.

Not that Dibbler seemed to mind. 'Don't foget about the onions,' he said frantically.

Yes, fried onions were one of the main selling points of the Dibbler enterprise franchise. 'The onions are the best parts!' said Gregory with more enthusiasm as he realized he was been honest. He said this a little too eagerly for Dibbler and the little entrepreneur gave him a long slow stare from his brown eyes.

As it happened the sponsors in true sponsor fashion wasn't that much help. They were planning upon getting far more from their money than that they were putting in. The voyage would have taken place anyway, though possibly with less comfort than Gregory had planned and a lesser and reduced pay crew. The officers in particular.

One of the Government backers handed him a piece of paper. 'The finest cartographers in the land have given you this map of your journey!'

Gregory looked at it. It was blank

'They'd be extremely grateful if you could fill it in on your way!'

'We have lots of messages of support from Chatter!' (3)Gregory continued to more applause from the crowd. You might have gathered it didn't take much really to make this crowd happy!

But there were some inspiring messages. 'Go, go, go, Gregory!'

'Yeah, for circling the Disc, Gregs you rock my man,'

Or, 'Gregory my delicious boy when you get back home with your waddings of cash I will give a good lick to any part of your body you care to name!' from the Naughty Nattalie, 19, from Quirm, Which made Gregory's little eyebrows go a bit sweaty I can assure you.

'Now this isn't everyone's point of view!' Gregory laughed and read out one message, "You're all going to die you bunch of bloody fools!" Nobby Nobbs, Ankh-Morpork! Hah, the voice of the old skeptics eh? We'll show them he'll have egg on his face soon,' he said to cheers and laughter. 'Anyway, we depart at Nine sharp tomorrow with the tide! Tiddlepops all yo ho ho and a bottle of something with currents in!'

That evening in the local Inn a girl was saying, 'I wish I could go on this heroic voyage. That Gregory is so dashing but he won't let me!'

Her companion, Mary, a slightly older women countered, 'That's because he won't let any girls upon his ship. I'm afraid your dashing Gregory does have an old-fashioned rather sexist view of sailing. Which means no chicks, Sarah! But why worry? He's probably doing you a favour I think.'

'Possibly, Mary, I could disguise myself as a man, sneak aboard and then once aboard they can't very well throw me off can he? Or I shall somehow prove my worth,' said the brunette, drinking some of her wine and obviously thinking hard upon some kind of plan.

Her older sister shook her head. 'Come on sis, you have work to do here if you want. Please don't go gallivanting of on that ship. I have a bad feeling about that one. Your better of here. And you get seasick in case you've forgotten. Remember that trip to Dalais, you spend the entire voyage looking at the bottom of a barrel!'

'Oh, very well,' agreed Sarah.

So she wasn't aboard the Imperial Enterprise when it departed the next morning. A cloudy morning with a nip in the air, there had been some morning rain but it had disappeared now. 'The Gods wouldn't want it to rain at the start of this historic venture!' Gregory had said. No, of course they wouldn't! Anyway to a modest cheering crowd, some flags, a bottle of champagne been smashed - what a waste even the cheap version - the ship was on its way.

Well, everything seemed fine to Gregory. All the crew were working busily. Captain Jock was shouting something but Gregory didn't pay much attention. So too were many of his officers but that was ship voyaging as much as he had been told. Gregory made his way to his cabin. He and the officers had sung 'A life on the ocean waves,' as the vessel moved across the blue waves. However the crew had dirtier songs. 'There was 4 and twenty virgins in Trapespeness. And when we departed there was 4 and twenty less Woof!' or some song about frigging the rigging. Well I suppose there was nothing else to do.

'Yer gonna help?' cried Jock.

'Of course!' Gregory shouted back.

'So, will yer help in the kitchen cooking, man the sails, assess the crew, space the sails, load up the cannons, navigate, man the wheel, look-out, clean the deck or simply polish your boots?'

'Well, I thought I'd start my journal actually!'

'I can see he's gonna be a fat lot of good on this journey,' thought Jock.

So, Gregory went to his cabin. He looked around at the departing coastline, the blue of the sea and put up his feet and sighed. He pulled out a recording parrot from it's cage and spoke to it. The idea been the parrot would listen and speak back all of the information. 'So, the journey begins! I have long dreamed of a life on the ocean waves traveling the blue seas. I know that hard times may lie ahead but I am prepared for it and will encounter the worse. I will miss the comforts of home but none the worse for the change. I love the girl I left behind and will miss her kisses the gorgeous Tina! Or was she Sandra? My crew are a good bunch lead by the mischievous but good-hearted Captain Jock Strap. We have food for many weeks but soon we plan to head for the continent of Efrica were we can trade. Oh, for the white man's burden! Oh, for the swinging of the decks,' my can this guy waffle or what? 'Oh, for the cry of the white gulls in the sky, oh, EEEEEEEKKkkk'

The ship gave a dreadful lurch. Then a shake and shudder. Then it plunged over the edge of the Disc hundreds of feet to the death of nearly all the crew including Gregory. Though Captain Jock was one of the survivors. He had a habit of surviving! Why? Because the Disc is flat, of course! Why every now and again some generation of people somewhere don't believe this is a bit of a mystery. So much for new ideas! The last thing Gregory knew after drowning was that of a tall skeleton carrying a scythe with him in the water. 'A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVES!' sang Death. (4)

The End

1: Didn't fool anyone with the 3D glasses did I?

2: Normally these people were a tiny minority but recently had been gaining influence amongst some. They believed basically that the Discworld was round. So far, so good we all have our points of view. Yet some went further. There were those that thought that someone had sailed around Discworld and proved this but it was all hushed up by various Governments and Religious lobbys that couldn't handle the idea. Bunch of nutters if you ask me!

2.5: Actually you know without the book on me I can't remember if it was XXX or XXXX. Depends upon how much of the stuff they had to drink I suppose. Or whose literal translation it was. To be totally honest I don't think Captain Jock had ever been there so it doesn't really matter!

3: Chatter was a social network site using the clacks that many towns in this part of the Disc had. It could be useful but I am afraid mostly it had people making fools of themselves.

4: Oh, all right I'll be honest I made up this one. I didn't make up the rest of it, honest! But Captain Jock was reported to have seen Death on deck. And the last entry in Gregories journal was, 'Death is coming to get me!' I suppose it is the type of thing which Death might have done.


End file.
